Return of the fics I will never write (except for these bits)

[vilakins]

Here are snippets of fics you think I will never ever write. These are the best of a frightening bunch. Some of you really painted me into a corner. :-P

For astrogirl2:
Vila gets eaten by a space monster

"We haven't heard from Vila for hours." Cally looked worried. "We ought to have given him a teleport bracelet."

"I didn't think he'd need one," said Blake defensively. "He was only pasting three more little pursuit ships on the hull. I didn't know a space monster would eat him."

"We should have put a neutron blast right down its throat!"

Avon turned to look at Cally. "And vaporise Vila? We've been over this, Cally."

"It would be better than being digested!"

The comms crackled. "Uh... Liberator?"

"VILA!" Avon tried to mask his relief. "Where have you been?"

"Where d'you think, Avon?"

"You failed to communicate."

"Look, I went to sleep, all right?" Vila sounded defensive.

Jenna leaned over the comms. "But how could you? Inside that... thing?"

"Exhausted from worry. And speaking of being exhausted, you wouldn't want to know what I've been though. Literally, I mean. Want to come and get me? Can't see a bloody thing though what's on my visor. And probably the rest of my suit."

"Yes, well." Avon grinned, safe in the knowledge that Vila couldn't see him. "That poor creature certainly expressed its opinion of you."

---

For lizamanynames:
Mushy Avon/Vila

Vila looked at Avon sideways. "You could at least apologise."

"What for? Shooting Blake? The fool asked for it."

"Well yeah, that too, but I meant that shuttle."

"Have you never heard the expression 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'?"

"That crappy old vid? What's that got to do with... You mean... Oh!" Vila stared at Avon, his soft brown eyes wide with wonder.

Damn, he'd given himself away. Vila however did not look as though he objected to the idea. "Don't you realise why I didn't find you? Because I couldn't bear to. I could never--" Avon stopped and looked away, overcome with emotion.

"What about what you said after, though?"

You know you are safe with me. "I meant it," Avon whispered. And ah, why hadn't Vila believed it?

"Avon?" Vila came up to him, took him by the shoulders. Avon's eyes were cold but his throat was working with emotion. "Oh, Avon." Vila lifted a hand to touch his damp cheek with his famed feather-light delicate touch.

Avon gasped and clasped Vila to him. "Oh, Vila!"

"Oh, Avon!"

"Oh, Vila! Vila!"

dot dot dot

---

For kerravonsen:
Liberator: the rock band

"Here we go again," muttered Avon, his hair spiked out like the legendary Young Einstein. "The band's signature song. Spare us all." The piece might be popular, but that did not make him like it. "Yaaaoooowww!" He shrieked, leaning back and making his electric guitar wail the opening chords.

The audience erupted with joy.

"We just wanna be freeeeeee!" sang Blake, flinging his wild curls about and ending on a surprisingly high note.

His line was echoed by Gan's deep, rich voice, falling to a rumble the audience (and the venue) could feel in its bones. Vila went into the famous drum salvo known as the neutron blast, and the audience roared.

"Free! Free! Freeeeee!" sang Cally and Jenna, dancing to either side, mikes in one hand, their trademark huge guns in the other. Several pairs of male undergarments and a rose landed on the stage near them.

Avon strutted in his studded black leather and thigh-high buckled boots with their enormous heels while the audience screamed and threw frilly underwear, personal comms links, ID badges, and, bizarrely, a white silk dress with a glittery lizard on the bodice. Avon was not permitted to sing. As Blake had pointed out, his talents lay elsewhere and included, besides guitar, the strut, the hip shimmy, and the devastating sneer.

The song, described as a sonic weapon by the engineers who had put in the specially strengthened stage, ended with Avon repeating his opening howl and falling to his knees with his guitar raised over his head.

The audience went wild.

"Now for my favourite bit," Gan exulted. The others made token protests but they'd never managed to stop him.

He launched himself into a pit-dive.

---

For jaxomsride:
Vampire Vila

"Vila!" Cally halted in the surgical unit doorway, shocked. "What are you doing?"

Vila turned, redness around his mouth and in the beaker he held. "Ummm."

"Vila!" Cally snatched the beaker. "That's blood!"

"No it's not!" Vila looked revolted. "Zen makes it up for me. Tomato sauce base with added artificial haemoglobin. I'm a vegetarian, remember?"

"Oh Vila, why?"

He looked embarrassed. "When they couldn't condition me, they tried to turn me into a mutoid. Didn't take either, but I still need this stuff every so often."

Cally frowned. "You know, I could make up something like the green liquid mutoids use."

Vila brightened. "Really? You know, that might work. Zen was never able to synthesise that stuff." He looked innocent. "You could add some adrenaline to it for my sleepiness, and some vitamins. Oh and soma to stop me wanting to bite Jenna."

---

For snowgrouse:
Vila gets arrested by the Guv (Gene Hunt from Life on Mars)

Vila had picked his way through three locked doors and was about to start on the safe, when he heard one of those doors, so carefully closed behind him, open. He froze, trapped. The heavy footsteps came closer (Easy to tell why they're called the plod, Vila thought distractedly), and the last door opened.

"You're nicked, sunshine." The leader held out his badge. "Grade 2 Enforcement Officer Gene Hunt."

Vila suppressed the urge to ask if that meant he didn't know who his father was, and sighed. "Silent alarm?"

"You're quick. Not quick though enough by the looks. Why'd you bother faffing about picking girlie locks when you could blow a bloody enormous hole? Much more manly."

Vila was offended. "Lacks finesse, that does."

"Finesse? Finesse?" Hunt threw out his arms and appealed to the two troopers behind him. "What's happening to the criminal classes these days? Nancy boys, the lot of them." He came over to Vila and leaned forward as Vila leaned back. "Word in your shell-like, fairy." Instead of whispering, he shouted. "Cygnus Alpha."

Vila reeled. "That's two." He shook his head to stop the ringing in it.

"Think you're funny, do you? Give over, you skiving little git. I'm the comedian here." Hunt removed the laser probe from Vila's hand. "Bloody hell, we're fancy, aren't we, Nancy? Bet they all talk about your delicate touch." He sneered. "Wouldn't be surprised if you're a wine drinker."

"Lager, actually," said Vila, correctly divining Hunt's taste. "If I can't get the whisky."

"Really?" Hunt's aggression went down a notch.

"Look, wouldn't mind a few before you take me in. Might be my last for a while."

Hunt shrugged. "Yeah, all right. I wouldn't mind a pie and a jug myself." And if the bugger thinks he can sod off during it and make me the laughing stock of the Pacification Force dinner and dance, he can think again.

Never know your luck, thought Vila. And even if he couldn't get away from this great lout, why look a free drink or ten in the mouth?

---

For arenee1999:
After the events of 'Sand' Tarrant realizes that he's madly in love with Servalan and runs off to find her so they can live happily ever after

"Commissioner Sleer," said the mutoid butler. "A person with a cup to see you. He claims a prior acquaintance."

Servalan looked up. "Oh, Tarrant. I do think we can run to a decent tea service."

"I brought it to borrow some sugar in. Isn't that the traditional way to get to know the neighbours?"

"Neighbours?" Servalan raised an eyebrow.

"I've moved in next door." Tarrant gave her his most charming smile. He abandoned both the cup and the subterfuge and sank to one knee before Servalan, taking her hand. "You see, I adore you. I can't live without you. Please be my bondmate." As long as I don't have to take the name Sleer, he added to himself.

"Oh, Tarrant. How sweet. I do require a dowry though."

"Really?" Tarrant's heart gave a hopeful little leap. "Whatever you desire, you shall have."

"I did rather fancy something in white with neutron blasters, but you seem to have lost that."

Tarrant bit his lip. Scorpio was hardly a suitable replacement.

"And I would have accepted something in black, but I hear that these days Avon is approaching his use-by date." Servalan tapped the little bell on the coffee table, and the butler reappeared. "Ah, Canis. Do see this gentlemen out. Oh and give him a cup of sugar."

---

For vandonovan:
Vila written as the small, whiny, incompetent, useless spare part

"The pursuit ships have gone now," Dayna said scornfully. "You can come out now."

"Are you sure?" a muffled voice said from under Vila's station.

"Course I am! I blew them out of space!"

The little thief emerged, trembling.

"Oh, good," said Tarrant. You can fix my console. It exploded."

"But I might get a shock! And anyway my tool's broken," Vila whined, holding up a snapped probe. "I fell on it, and I'm probably bleeding and bruised and none of you would care, would you?"

"You make it extremely difficult," said Avon.

Tarrant leaned on Avon's station. "Tell me again. What does this spare part actually do?"

"As little as possible."

"Then why's he still on board?" Dayna grinned cruelly. "He's such a wimp, he wouldn't eat the sandwich I made him at lunch."

Vila sat up, still rubbing his ribs. "Well, it had mean red eyes glaring at me!"

"It had two stuffed olives!"

"Yes, and you put them in there just to get at me."

Avon looked at Cally, his eyebrows raised. She nodded, sadly.


Vila materialised on a Lindor street. He tossed his bracelet into a nearby bin and looked around, his face alight with pleasure and relief. "At last! I thought they'd never get rid of me!"

---

For crycraven:
During a recon on a jungle planet Avon gets bitten on the...

Note: Believe me, this was the best of the three!

"What're you doing?" Vila demanded as Avon veered off the path and into the jungle. "Those things'll catch us up!"

"I will only be a minute."

Vila heard the sound of a zip and then an anguished yell followed by a blaster shot.

"Avon! What happened?"

"A snake bit me!"

"Where?"

"Where do you think, Vila?"

Vila's eyes widened in horror. "You'll have to suck the poison out!"

"Vila. Think for once. I can't reach. You--"

"Hang on a mo!" Vila left at a panicked run, back the way they'd come, straight towards the metal creatures pursuing them. He could hear their grating cries coming closer. He quickly tied a liana to a tree, trailed it over the path, and hid behind another tree.

"EXTERMINATE!" The lead thing moved slowly towards him, avoiding the many obstacles on the overgrown path. As it neared his tree, Vila pulled hard on the creeper, bringing it up under the eyestalk and tipping the thing over. He ran out and rolled it off the path.

"EXTER--"

"No, you won't, mate. You're cast." Vila took out his tools and began to work quickly.

"NO DISASSEMBLE!"

"Just want your plunger." Vila detached it and ran back to Avon.

"What took you so long?"

"Had to get this." Vila held it up. "Very flexible, these things are, and they've got a lot of fine settings. Should do the trick."

Avon stepped back in horror. "NO!"

Comments

[kerravonsen]

As Blake had pointed out, his talents lay elsewhere and included, besides guitar, the strut, the hip shimmy, and the devastating sneer.

(smirk) Yes, I can see it all.

"Zen makes it up for me. Tomato sauce base with added artificial haemoglobin. I'm a vegetarian, remember?"

Oh, very good take on that.

"You're quick. Not quick though enough by the looks. Why'd you bother faffing about picking girlie locks when you could blow a bloody enormous hole? Much more manly."

Ha! He and Jarvik would get on well.

"NO DISASSEMBLE!"

ROTFL! So that was Dalek Number Five, was it?

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Gene Hunt would probably think Jarvik was too poncy for his own good!

Yep! I needed a Dalek to write my way out of that one. :-P

[sallymn.livejournal.com]

I love them all (Gan doing a pit-dive - snorfle!!!) but my favourite has got to be Gene Hunt and Vila, that's fabulous!!)

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I wasn't sure of my ability to write Gene Hunt, but he was actually fun!

[vandonovan.livejournal.com]

I don't care much for vampire stories, but that one works quite well. I think my favorite is the Tarrant/Servalan one though. "Something in white with neutron blasters" ha! Plus, moving next door and showing up with a cup is just the sort of stupid thing Tarrant would do and think would work. XD

Gene Hunt in Space is too hilarious and oh, man. The mushy Avon/Vila. *cringes*

I see mine have proven too difficult to write. XDXD

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

What? I missed yours? I didn't intend to! I'd better fix that at once!

[zoefruitcake.livejournal.com]

oh thanks for that fantastic laugh that they gave me this morning, JUST what I needed!

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Glad to oblige! :-)

[linda-joyce.livejournal.com]

All of them are good but the band is the best. I can close my eyes and see them doing a 'queen' routine, absolutely great.

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Ha, thanks!

[imhilien.livejournal.com]

Good job... not sure which one I like the most, the 'rock band' one (squee!1!) or Gene Hunt with his 'girlie locks' talk to Vila. :-p

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

You want to see them strut their stuff on stage? Just don't be in the pit!

"Why ponce about with picks when you can use a bit of gelly?"

[bramblyhedge.livejournal.com]

Hee hee! *is dead from laughter*

These are actually very brilliant, I didn't think you could pull them off. Love the Gene Genie in particular. XD

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Gene is proving to be very popular!

[popcorn-oracle.livejournal.com]

Ahaha. Lovely, lovely. You have such nice twists and ways of doing these prompts!

The mushy Avon/Vila about slayed me. I had to look away from the screen like twice to get through it. Pretty hysterical stuff, ahaha.

Vampire Vila as a mutoid! And the not being blood thing, very clever. It all made a crazy sort of sense and that's pretty cool.

Gene and Vila was cute too. I just rewatched LOM this weekend, and your Gene is quite good. Especially the bit about lock picking not being "manly" haha.

Aand DALEKS! ::glee::.

All of them, so much fun ^^;.

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

The mushy Avon/Vila was the hardest one to write; I'm glad it worked. I had to have Daleks, believe me. If you saw the rest of that prompt...

[san-valentine.livejournal.com]

(have just realized that I still don't have a B7 icon)

I really enjoy reading these, and lol'd in several places. The first time may have been when Rockstar!Avon had a white dress with a lizard on the bodice thrown at him. Certainly when Gan did a pit dive.

Avon getting bitten on the ... was hilarious, and you did Gene Hunt very well. Vila's first reaction *Vila suppressed the urge to ask if that meant he didn't know who his father was* is brilliant.
Thanks for the fun.

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

I had fun writing them!

You need a B7 icon! There are lots on b7icons, plus you can have any of those in my icon gallery (http://pics.livejournal.com/vilakins/gallery/0000w46x). The first page is mainly comic style; there are different style on later pages. Oh and the icons look fuzzy because they don't display at their correct sizes; click on ones you like.

I'm also happy to make you a bespoke one. Tell me what you want and if you want any text. :-)

[thetisonline.livejournal.com]

Love this ... so clever. Someone just walked into the office to see what I was laughing about!

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

LOLs are always good to hear about. :-D

[glittermouse.livejournal.com]

Nico you are so clever! I laughed so hard reading these.

And I love the line "bizarrely, a white silk dress with a glittery lizard on the bodice."

Hee hee :)

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Well, she didn't have the underwear to throw! It was fortunate that she still had the white fur coat to leave in.

Thank you!

[astrogirl2.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha! Gave me a huge belly laugh first thing in the morning! Several times. :) I'm quite happy with the one I, er, inspired. And, like everybody else, I do love your Guv. :)

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Guv love sneaks up on you!

[kalinda001.livejournal.com]

Those are great! Thanks for the morning cheer.

And Daleks too!

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

The Daleks were very fortuitous, and Vila now has a sneaking fondness for them.

[entropy-house.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes! All of these are wonderful. The Avon/Vila made me giggle madly all the way through-- and I pity the poor Dalek. ;^)

[jaxomsride.livejournal.com]

The last one brought tears to my eyes, but then it undoubtedly did to Avon's!

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

That very thing (without the Daleks) happened to a guy in Australia recently (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/2/story.cfm?c_id=2&objectid=10515831). Ouch!

[crycraven.livejournal.com]

These are all so clever, well done! I'm glad you relinquished the bargepole and picked that one of my suggestions... DALEKS CONQUER AND DESTROY but that one was going to get an eyeful...

[crycraven.livejournal.com]

...except it's not its eye, it's its feelly plungy thing...
*slaps self round face*

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Yep! It looked pretty flexible in the New Who S1 ep 'Dalek' too.

[nautile26.livejournal.com]

Ha, these are all wonderful. The image of Gan doing a pit-dive will stay with me for some time!

What I really love though is your total loyalty to your muse despite the difficult prompts. Vila is a winner, or at least a survivor, in all his stories. :)

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

A terrifying sight, but the Liberator fans are staunch.

I can't be too cruel to the poor guy; the series did that too well. :-P

[arenee1999]

Oh, those are brilliant!!! I love them all. XDXD

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Thanks! [grin]

[snowgrouse.livejournal.com]

Oh, these are all brilliant. I think I hurt something laughing:D.

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Thanks! People really liked the Guv one, so thanks for asking for him and making me write him!

[daiseechain.livejournal.com]

Liberator: The Rock Band really did make me laugh out loud, the Life On Mars xover was spot on for both voices (Gene Hunt just works so well in so many fandoms), but the best line in all of them had to be "I did rather fancy something in white with neutron blaster, but you seem to have lost that." Fantastic.

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Ha, thanks! I enjoyed writing these. :-D

[lizamanynames.livejournal.com]

*claps*

Eeeeee, these are brilliant!! I especially liked the twist on "Vila is a useless prat" - that was very clever, of both him and you. XD

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I couldn't leave the poor guy as one. Was the mush mushy enough for you? ;-)

[emerald-happy.livejournal.com]

OH those are brilliant! ahaha, I feared for a minute you really had written Vila as a whiny spare part. Oh no it was just an act! Phew!

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

It was all a cunning plan! Sadly, I have actually read fics that have him that cowardly and wimpy.

[thisbluespirit]

Here via emerald_happy's journal... and oh, I love pretty much all of the above snippets very very much. Especially Vila and Gene Hunt. *wants more* :-D

[vilakins.livejournal.com]

:-D Thanks! Yay, another Vila fan!

There are some more here (http://vilakins.livejournal.com/275778.html), including the worst time-travelling "I am your father" fic ever. ;-)